**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
