it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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