I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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