I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
