Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
