Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
