I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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