Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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