I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This is classic penis vs brain.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
