What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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