Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
