i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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