You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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