i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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