yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You're breaking my sexual little heart
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
