I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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