I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
