I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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