Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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