i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
