She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
