My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
