So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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