please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
