Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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