East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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