I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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