I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
