Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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