Umm I'm too high to move.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
