I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
