i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We are two peas in an std pod
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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