dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
