I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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