I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
