my mouth tastes like poor choices
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
