I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
