I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
