My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
