cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
