The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize