i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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