Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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