Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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