found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
