Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
