Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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