No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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