Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
