tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
