Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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