You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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