we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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