it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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