It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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