Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
