maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
im six kinds of drunk right now
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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