I could have mohawked her pubes.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
